i saw a man prostrate like i do in my prayer,
on the sidewalk, with his face fully covered,
his head on a cardboard.
it says :
I HAVE NO HOPE. I AM DEPRESSED. I AM HOMELESS AND HUNGRY. PLEASE HELP.
his only words are : GOD BLESS.
its amazing how life blooms. from the memory of my brother’s marriage to his beloved, Wa, suddenly to a new image of this little young one trying to open his beautiful eyes to a strange new world.
simply amazing. too beautiful.
this little newborn, with innocent shine in the eyes, and that wonderful baby smell, doesn’t yet know his significance to his parents’ life, love story and and a whole bundle of LOVE everyone have for him!
when he was in the womb, when he was born, did he hear the tremble of his father’s azan, so nervous and excited? did he feel the pain and joy of his mother, who shed tears and fought for him all the while?
can he now see the love? the way he is adored? how his little smile melts everyone’s heart and his every movements an achievement to his parents’ eyes?
I am so happy for abang and wa! Syukur Alhamdulillah 
YUSUF FAWWAZ!!!! YOU’RE BARELY 3 DAYS OLD BUT I LOVE YOU WITH MY WHOLE LIFE!
amazing eh? someone so small who you didnt even think of not more than a year ago suddenly comes in your heart and takes a huge chunk of it for himself
i hereby pledge to be the coolest che sha for fawwaz!~ yeah!
im at the height of panic//hanging from a pinacle like a manic//my heart pulpilating//exhilirating, feverish scared//no one to look out to// point a finger or two//eyes wide cringing with non-existence tears//only wrenched feeling of disgust//vomitting bile circulating hatred in the bloodstream//eyes looking in on itself, white to the world//judging//taunting//taking me piece by piece//till i could no longer breathe//and see daggers from all sides//crouching low//a desperate attempt to escape//a narrow alley//getting narrower and darker//primly walking to avoid crashing into them// when will i break my nails for them?
kadang-kadang diri terasa seperti bayangan di tanah.
macam asap yang lesap di langit, buih yang hilang dalam ombak.
namun, hati kan tetap rasa berat. badan pon lebih kurang jugak.
ada jugak masa dia ringan. maksud saya, hati tu la.
mungkin bila kan tulis, tercalit hidup ini di alam tak nyata.
macam aluran daun di pasir. atau batu di gunung.
memberi makna kah?
siapa tahu?
tadi lepas kelas, masa tunggu bas,
ada orang lelaki asing meng-usha dengan tak covernya.
*perasan kejap*
segan btol i. adakah coat bulu-bulu i ni hot sangat?
“bludbluble” kata lelaki muka seperti burma atau tibet itu.
aaaaa..adakah..adakah kamu sedang berkomunikasi?
“where are you from?” kata dia masa i dah nak naik bas, dengan muka blank tak faham bahasa dia.
dengan senyuman hot, i jawab, “malaysia” , lepas tu terus naik bas. dengan harapan bas pergi cepat-cepat, and dia akan tertanya2 sapa perempuan jelita yang sudah terlepas di atas bas di kota raya london itu.
adakah terlalu drama?
tapi bas tu pulak tunggu lama dekat situ. alamak.
dia usha lama dari luar.
ahh, alamak. fikiranku mula berserabut. oh, adakah saya nampak eksotik seperti gadis ayu Tibet atau Burma?
bang, maaf bang. saya dari malaysia bang. tak tahu nak cakap bahasa tibet, ye bang~
lepas tu jadi paranoid pulak, adakah dia akan cuba ikut???APA I PATUT BUAT? kenapa dia kene tengok macam tu??!
DIA NAIK BAS PULAK!!!
..alamak. muka dah kaku. dahlah memang kaku sebab sejuk. sekarang kaku muke horror. mata besar gile jadi.
okay. relaks. relaks. jangan pandang dia…jangan pandang dia…KENAPA DIA MASIH USHA???
okay…buat-buat tak nampak. dia macam cuba nak tangkap mata dengan i. i buat-buat baca inbox yang dah puas baca.
tiba-tiba, dengar dia cakap dengan orang lain : How do you get to _________?
“oh, you have to stop at the next stop, and go that way” jawab lelaki random.
tanpa tolehan langsung, lelaki asing yang suka usha tu melangkah keluar bas.
i tgk dia masa dia keluar. adakah dia akan pandang lagi? *harapan besar*
..rupanya TAK LANGSUNG! -_____________-
two guys sat in front of me.
‘ so you’re going to your girlfriend’s place now?’
‘she’s not my girlfriend, man. she’s a chic. yeah, thats how imma label her. she’ just a chic, you know?’
‘ thought she’s yours’
‘no, who would wanna have a girl like that? she’s fat! but i dont mind her, ya know? get the free lunch, free dinner, and even the games! like, the concert tickets the other day, she got an extra one, so that’s why i gave you’
‘yeah, that was awesome!’
‘ i know! but who would line up for 6 hours for it? she’s stupid. and she buy these bags. the same thing, but one in white and another in black. like wth, man?’
i.was.horrified.
for a record, the guy was not even close to good looking.
i applied for UNIPAL summer programme in Palestine last month. i didnt get shortlisted, the mail stated.
it maybe because i hold a malaysian passport. they go through jerusalem, of which i am not allowed.
it may also be because it is not yet time for me to take a big stride to Palestine. Maybe there is something i should look at first around me, before i go out of my way to Palestine,no matter how much my heart longs to go.
x unlike my mother, i could not yet understand arabic. i only know ‘mauzun’. pisang. and ‘jamilah’.
x i have not yet met Monica and help her like i should. and she was not there at her spot just now 
x i have not yet properly understand Islam, i need to ground my roots first.
Ya Allah, I shall leave my destiny in your hand. Please open the doors for me to redeem myself. Amin.
sometimes, some people see beyond.
a pathway to heaven right in front of their eyes.
they take each steps closer to the bright light at the end.
a strenght, notches higher than the rest.
with full confidence, what she drops would be safely caught.
im walking on the earth.
heaven yet too far away.
taking long slow strides.
dragging legs, covered bloods.
misty heart, cold and bare.
one day, she decides to end her journey.
she looks back with a smile.
found inner peace, sword in hand.
for her children is safe in God’s hand.
and her duty is done.
i try to breath,
grasping the wall,
suffocating in engulfing sins,
reaching a hand to my mother.
closing my fist on empty air.
a little word from you, mother.
a bit of care.
a show of love,
in this low level of my heart.
in this dry earth im scorching my feet on.
before you soar to the sky.
leaving me on the ground.
head straining upwards to the stars,
eyes upon your shiny wings.
blurred by tears i care not.
mother, you were an angel in my dream.
in blue dress,with beautiful eyes.
i dont doubt heaven is a place for you.
i give my heart to this path you take.
it had been two months,
before i heard your voice again.
i was shocked i couldnt guess it was you, mother.
i didnt know it was you at the end of the line.
just a bit of love before you go.
a bit normal like other mothers.
a text would be nice.
a warm ‘how are you’ would be lovely.
a word of courage to when you’re gone
would keep me going.
not the silence after you broke the eggshells below me.
to leave me with heart astoned.
trusting i would climb up when i fall.
i do try, mother. yet i fall again.
dont you realize, mother.
i see Him when you do.
i do not see Him with my own eyes.
i see Him through yours.
and as you leave,
with full confidence it will make me stronger,
i am scared.
not of losing you, mother.
but of losing Him in my heart.
i need you not for the love of a mother,
the way other daughters do.
you are special, and so are your way of love.
i have put out that yearn in my heart
for you are closeer to Him than you are to me.
i am happy for you, mother.
but i do need you, mother,
to walk towards the light.
dont you see me, mother?
when you helped the orphans,
the poor, the needy,
i do the same.
dont you see me, mother?
i try to follow the path you etched.
stepping into the steps you’ve taken.
but the place you are going now,
is where i have to stop following.
it is not yet for me.
it may never be.
and i can only pray it would.
this is where it ends.
where do i go now?
where shall i take my steps?
i could only hope, mother.
that you will always see me when you turn around.
because i am always there,
looking out for you.
a day in Cardiff.
walked around the city centre.
a guy was playing violin, bringing to life tunes of scotland folklore, while balancing one foot. on a tightrope.
a crowd watching a kenny roger look alike strumming his beat-up guitar.
a trio of fire charmers. a guy juggling three kerosin-burned batons. a man with glasses and dreadlock with a pole of two fire ends. twirling it in his hand, over his shoulder, behind his ncck, flame hissing frustratingly, missing the clutch of his hair. a young girl, long luscious locks on one side of her side and soft grizzle hair on almost bald head on the other, swinging two chains of fire, looping it over her head making fantastic gypsy dance.
she wore a plastic headband. knocked over it when she twirled her chains. it fell over her eyes. she dance a slow twirl with her chains, hoping to halt her rhytm.
she was blinded, the fire knew. it licked her hair, lighting up flame at the back of her eyes.
