Kautsar Abd Rahman

I’d take a train

to travel far, far beyond any man’s reach

to a world undigitalized

where conformity unexist

where people be who they are

of no thought of whom they should be.

I’d like to take a train

where I can camp and swim

with the mist and early morning ducks

without the worry of getting raped

the worry of getting kidnapped

the worry that keeps me shackled

this build up paranoia

that eats away humanity

nesting and nurturing fear

trapping the uninhibited free spirit of all of us

putting us on the safe track

bundled with everyone else.

One day we will be free of this planned life,

a unit of human energy,

to become one with our soul,

once and for all.

a man came and asked for a bit of my time to ask me some questions. a random student survey in a library.

the man asked me what is the most important thing in life for me.

i said, faith. faith in my religion.

the man asked his second question.

100 years ago, almost everyone would say ‘God’ as the most important thing. Why do you think that’s changed?

i said, i don’t know. it hasn’t changed for me.

he said, you said faith. not God.

i said, it is the same thing. I have faith in God.

He asked,if you can ask for one thing from God, what would it be?

I said, i wish i hadn’t been born, and that i could go to heaven straight instead.

he asked me why.

i said, because i dont want to wake up from death in solid regret. it would be unbearable.

he said, well everyone has to go through this  life so it is only fair. he asked me what regret?

i answered, regret that i did not keep my promise to God. my soul had made promise to God before it was born. i dont know if i would wake up fulfilling it after i die. im a pessimist now, so.

so u believe in afterlife?

yes.this life is like a dream. have you ever dreamt something so good or so awful but when you wake up it is insignificant? life is insignificant when you wake up after you die, like a dream.

he asked, is this a teaching from your faith? or did you make it up?

i answered, no, it is just something i strongly feel about. i always feel dreams are real. just like this life seem real.

the man asked, if i go to heaven then, would i remember i am John? why would i want to go to heaven if i cant have my identity?

i answered, you would remember. your soul remembers. you were a soul before being blown into a fetus. you would remember. that, and the promise you made to God.

but if i cant remember my promise, how do i fulfill it, and does everyone know?

i said, no, no one remembers it. but it is to live this life for God, generally.

how do you know it is true?

because i have the Qur’an to back it up. And prophets like Muhammad (pbuh) and Jesus and Moses and everyone else.

why do you think people in UK nowadays don’t say God is the most important thing?

because it is easier to live in a secular state and  separate your soul and your body and just live in this world.

Thank you for your time, i will let you go back to your work.

In the cupboard was a paper of God’s name decorated with fire.

The paper caught on fire and and and there was fire in my cupboard.

His name was not charred.

A pigeon got into our house.

It is walking silly in my room,
Unaware of the panic the fire caused.

Outside the window, our tree is gone,

In its place, a giant setting sun.
Very,very close.

If you haven’t watched Up yet, I suggest you do. It’s animation. It’s Disney and it’s obviously unrealistic (like your Watchmen and Ghostbusters) . But it is not as happy as your Little Mermaid and Sleeping Beauty. There is, for one thing, no song at all. At all. And it involves dying dream, death of lover and wife, murder of adventurers, psychotic old man who would become Machiavelli to reach his dream, a boy abandoned by his parents and the inability of the main character’s wife to get pregnant. Not your usual Disney’s cup of tea. Plus the writings in the movie is Russian – adding more depth to the story somehow. Or maybe it is because we bought a pirated version which was supposed to be for Russian audience. Hmm.

This movie is uplifting. Unlike the recent movies I’ve watched – Time Traveller’s wife and Benjamin Button- which just gives this tug of mortality in your heart, Up begins most sweetly depressing but gained its momentum into suspense and rekindling of love, feeling and emotion in an old man besotted with his dead lover. It just scream : FOLLOW YOUR DREAM!!

The main character, Carl Fredrickson and his dead best friend, wife and lover, Ellie had a long-lost dream to go to Paradise Fall in South America since they were just kids but like normal people, they never really work hard at it or push their normal life away for the sake of the dream. It’s only when they’re really old that Carl bought a flight ticket to South America, which by then was too late. Ellie died before he could even show her the flight tickets. Very, very intense sad moment. I could have sworn there were tears in my eyes – and they’re cartoons! More sad things happened before tadaaa~ Carl went on to the most extraordinary voyage to Paradise Fall!

Some people wait until it’s too late to catch up with their dream and gets buried with it. Some people got the chance to chase it somewhere in their life. Some people don’t even have a dream. And some people just push it aside. However one sees it, dream is very possible if you put your mind to it. Problem is, what if you don’t have a dream?

Is a dream something you yearn for or is it something you desire? Or could it be just both?  Winner of American Next Top Model, Eva said her dream came true when they announced her the winner. So she worked hard for it – and her dream is her life. What if your dream is not your life? For example, you’re a modest student but have dreams to change the world in weird ways that is not possibly done? Could it even be a dream if it is not possibly done? Some people have a simple one and others don’t. Mass dreams are like wanting to get rich and living the life!

Everyone has one, and it’s never too late. In the book Secret Garden, the author tried to convey a message of the boundary of time – saying it is never too late. It’s too cliched for it to even ring true in your mind.  Only a person who had achieved his/her dream would believe heartily in it. Never too late for anything. Put your mind to it now.

My dream would be to travel the world while volunteering.What would yours be?

i dreamt about my grandmother. she gave a box filled with pink jewels. all hair ornaments and maybe some brooches. she said : hold it for me, and bring it to the afterlife. i asked her if i could wear it for a wedding. she said no. its not for now, its for then.

i pinched myself once in the dream. it hurt. and i was convinced that everything was real.

i always take the bus route that passes through a column of houses
with small square garden in front.
the small plot of land, most of them bare soil,
some with flowers, others with useful greens,
seem out of place.

there are little windows there,
interior almost always dark.
sometimes i see an indian woman,
true to her roots in bright sari,
in midst of autumn.

one day,
i saw an old lady,
an old engligh lady,
staring out of the lifeless window,

she looks like a young girl.

she sat by the window,
her elbow propped on the sill,
her hands cupping her cheeks,
eyes upward to the sky with hope.

like a child of six-years-old,
trying to make out shapes in the cloud.
or enjoying the falling of leaves from the tree,
a dreamy look,
starry eyes.

was she thinking of her youth?
of how when she was young and a child in her father’s arm,
when her house is big, and garden
twenty times bigger than the plot in front of her,
and trees and forest abundent,
and she in her frock.

and now, she stares out of that window.
white puffy hair,
wrinkled skin.
but the same twinkling eyes.

i dream a dream i wish i did not dream. my soul wanders to unknown dimension. ive been to places so real and vivid. i know my soul is very light and it can fly. i know my soul thinks about me as often as i think of my soul.

on the beach, light fairy footsteps, with no sense of touch to feel that soft grainy sand. but i know thats how it would have felt. plunging down a cliff into jewel blue sea. plunge deep and deeper. into giant corals and the silence of the ocean. i cant swim in real life. and i cant now.

my mother is always very beautiful in dreams. God bless her soul. she has happy face and wears white clothes. and sometimes, a blue angel with the most brilliant eyes.

i have seen bad influences in my dreams. and i have only and only need a prayer. a strong shield of protection from the Almighty. The light shimmers, glows and dims. Sometimes leaving you in the total darkness of an abyss. the strength of your inner being. sometimes i would have the prayer for shield. At most special time a spoon for weapon. sometimes i would be lost for words. mantra gurgled in my throat, mouth locked in stone. one time i vomited words, hoping a prayer. the evil one laughed.